There was some discussion yesterday around the Honours Lab lamenting the challenge of relinquishing our hold on our perfectionist traits in order to embrace the “writing as thinking” Adrian prescribes we must do to complete Honours. Like my fellow Honours constituents, I cringe every time I view a draft that is chock full of mistakes – mistakes I am fully aware are there. Similar to the show-and-tell session we had in our lab yesterday that involved each of us showing our precursors from semester one, I found it pointless showing mine as I was fully aware of the problems permeating throughout it. I sucked it up and presented it to the lab nonetheless.
I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a “work in progress.” Perhaps a little mantra I can adopt to help get the wheels moving. Much like the faith I have grown to accept as part of the process of creating a Korsakow Film. It is an emergent practice that I may only have the faintest of concepts for how it will turn out in the end. I just need to surrender myself to the process of filming, collating and swapping around the connections for each SNU over a long period of time rather than defaulting back to the conventional film production methodology (i.e. Development, Pre-Production, Production, Post-Production).
Funnily enough, this is precisely what I desired to escape when exiting the freelance film industry and jumping into further academic study. I could not fathom the unperturbed manner in which other freelancers conducted themselves. Why were they not, like me, panicking at the close of a job due to not knowing where the next gig would come from? The lack of job guarantees a freelancer must endure baffled me. Still does. I spoke with many fellow freelancers about it before I bailed from that career, and they all seemed to have a similar answer for me: Faith. They believed that the next job would come along in good time. I liken it to a religious faith. Almost a superstition. Where you adopt a belief that solves a conundrum in your life – makes life liveable. Knowing that there is someone, something, watching over you, ensuring you will not become destitute or suffer great hardship.
I was not certain I could acquire such a belief set, yet find myself right back in the situation of surrendering myself to a practice that I cannot fully control.